• Lewis McDonnell

Want to Last Longer in Bed? Cooling Down Will Help You

We hear it all the time, that women need some time to "warm up" when it comes to sharing love. Foreplay is often appreciated before just jumping straight in.

Well as a man, and after helping many men with this issue in my therapy practice. I believe that if we want to prolong our time in the bedroom, as men, we need time to "cool down."

You see, the anticipation and excitement we feel during the initiation of any sexual experience, from the first kiss to taking clothes off is enough to amp up our sexual arousal.

This can result in a spike of arousal, most men who experience premature ejaculation don't know what's on the other side of this spike other than ejaculation however if we give ourselves the time to relax and slow down into the experience this spike begins to soften and plateau. From here we can begin to find our rhythm and pace, riding waves of arousal which rise and fall. Think of it like this...

If we lived in a cold climate and decided to fly off to a warmer one our bodies would need time to adapt and acclimatise to the new heat felt. Initially it may even feel rather uncomfortable, we might feel clammy and dry in the mouth, not forgetting all the excitement and potential overwhelm of witnessing all the new exotic environment, languages, plants and culture . But over time our bodies and mind would adjust to the heat and begin to feel comfortable with the new culture, we might even begin to feel quite at home in this new part of the world.

The key here is to give ourselves permission and time to acclimatise.

What tends to happen is that we get wrapped up in a horny mindset (toxic trance) which is focused, consciously or unconsciously on ejaculation. It's typically been our go to place since teenage years as it helped us speed up the process. The more we feed into this mindset the more it is reinforced until it becomes our default mindset when expressing ourselves sexually. This mind-set must be eradicated through new behaviours and systematical deconstruction.

Self awareness and clear headedness though mindfulness/meditation and embodiment can be helpful in changing this mindset. It can take some practice though and most find that some deeper subconscious work therapeutically can be helpful for speeding this process up. If you were driving along a country road that you'd never been on before you wouldn't push the gas down full speed would you? Boy racer's might but they are always crashing their cars.

VERY slow and gentle foreplay/ penetration for the first 10-20 minutes can give us the space necessary to adapt to this hot environment. Embracing stillness during initial penetration can be deeply intimate and connecting.

During this time we can focus more on sensation, connection and relaxation with our lover rather than stimulation and the pressure to perform. Scanning our bodies for muscular tension and in our minds just inviting it in and willing it to release and relax.


Whist remembering to breathe!

It is then from this place that we can begin to find our rhythm as dance partners together.

For confidential coaching/ therapy 1 to 1 support so that you can last longer in bed visit: https://www.risingmen.co.uk/premature-ejaculation

© 2017 by Lewis McDonnell

*DISCLAIMER: Results may vary from person to person. Results are subjective to the individual and so you are paying for the time and expertise of your therapist and not for your results.